I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
