i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
if only i could text you this smell
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
