i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Randomize
