I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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