My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
