im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
