he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
