I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
