watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
