I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
