I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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