i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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