Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
