she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
