i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
