Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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