I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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