So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
