You're so nebulous sometimes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
