Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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