answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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