This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
