You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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