they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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