I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
3 2 1 whiskey
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
