I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Girls should come with a carfax report
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
