Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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