Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The uberlube is also flammable
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
