a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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