Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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