I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
