to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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