She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
