pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
