Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
