A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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