Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
