I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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