She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
