The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
