i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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