I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
