the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
