i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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