But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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