Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We need to get me chipped asap
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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