Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
