my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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