You're earring is so big in my mouth
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
