My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
